uum hi livejournal.
i've been gone a while.
i'm pretty bored that's all this is.
unfortunately mine and chris' apartment doesn't have a washer and dryer so we're at his grandma's washing clothes and unlike our broke asses, she has the internet.
i'm sloooowly learning that not having friends anymore and not having a life outside of my apartment is taking a toll.
there is major sarcasm on the "sloooowly" i referred to earlier.
i miss sooooooooo many people.
i'm in this big uncontainable blank space.
i wish everything could change without anything changing if that makes any sense to anyone but me.
i'm a fucking stepford wife, only worse.
but i love too much.
if it weren't for the good times and things i can't even explain i'm not sure i would be where i am.
i don't know what i'm saying.
nothing is going the way i thought my life would.
to those of you even still bothering with lj, and know who what all i'm rambling about; i do still love him.
i highly suggest to anyone that's unhappy to get a puppy, name her rice and let her believe she is a baby.
she is my only joy most of the time.
but things have to start drastically changing.
most of all i miss my friend. well three of them to be exact.
what an intense past few days.
a little over a week, and it's been good.
i've kicked it with a interesting mixture of people, none of which were bad.
eh well i take that back, a certain night turned out not so well.
things are on the up and up.
and sleep should be a sweet surrender, but alas, no dice.
for some reason i can't fathom sleeping right now.
it could take some life out of me that i'm not willing to spare.
that isn't meant to sound negative.
random people, and this small world.
it never seizes to amaze me.
hmm...it's been a minute since i written seize and it looks ridiculous.
alright babbling and things of the such are now dubbed the burden of my amazing boyfriends because livejournal is a lost cause.
chris and i are about to go to the lake and ride a golf cart and possibly drink some sparks.
we're going so rachel (chris's mom) doesn't have to stay long.
his mini welcome back thing lastnight went exceptional.
another in the progress for the few who missed it.
the few who i've trying to get to see him.
things are great today.
heartburn, is not.
recent as in like, 5 minutes ago.
look, see, and so on.
so today is beautiful and i'm joyous.
forest glen, chris, mike, and music (mineral for a day like this of course).
this is life.
it's what we fight (being ourselves, the world or thoughts) to continue pursuing.
it's a screaming child in the other room, a parent afraid to let their child move out and make their own paths, it's a front door you can't seem to stop walking through no matter how guilty others try to make you feel.
it's a plan to move away with a person you can't comprehend the amounts of love you feel for.
it's the look in their eyes when they wake up and just stare in your direction smiling.
then tell you they love and you can not only hear it but feel it all over.
don't stop and take a breath to absorb it all, continue enjoying it in a repetitive manner.
because that's what it's there for.
we don't live enough.
we don't breath we don't smile we don't conceive things the way they were meant to be conceived.
we don't shake it til it's dry.
don't sleep anymore, don't shy away from opportunity.
this is finding out who you are.
this weekend was fucked.
friday chris and i, for reasons that will be left unmentioned, had a real fight for roughly 5 hours.
i cried, the words break up were thrown in there a few times.
then he apologized and kissed me and told me he loved me.
i said it was alright. and so on.
then saturday things were better and we went out to eat breakfast and then that night after sitting at steak and shake drinking coffee we headed back home to go to sleep at two in the morning.
this is where his step father proceeds to follow us in chris's room right after we shut the door.
donny looked at me and said get the fuck out and go the fuck home.
i was baffled i had no clue what the hell was going on.
so chris said alright come on let's go.
donny wouldn't move out of chris's way.
chris had just gotten a tattoo on his chest donny pushed that tattoo and chris threw donny threw the bathroom into the kitchen where he smacked his head on numerous things.
chris's mom came in to break it up, and told donny we were leaving and she came with us and we got a room.
things are adding and adding and adding.
we are staying strong.
only a little over five months before we move.
we're both excited and this is well needed.
i told everyone i would do this one day.
apparently i was the only one serious all those times.
it has been a really long time since i've been on the internet at all.
let alone how long it's been since i've updated this thing.
it almost feels weird laying out stuff for the public again.
i pick chris up at 12:50 today.
i'll stop feeling like i have a missing piece.
i'm glad chris has money to do things he wants now, but i hate that some of it gets spent on me, because one of the comments his step dad said is eating away at me. he said "she's taking you for all you've got, wake up and see that boy."
now donny isn't necessarily one of the smartest creatures he can't even spell, but it's just the fact that it was said when i don't give a fuck about his money.
we could be poor and living in a box, or sleeping in my car, i know we've done that a time or two, and i still love him completely.
alright i want a bubble bath i think it's been even longer than the internet since i've had one of those.
sorry it's been a long time guys.
things are trying to change.
things are great.
apparently i have a list a mile long of peoples hair to cut.
i feel like an ass but i never have time.
chris and i have been running running running non-stop for a little while now because of this estate and trust.
we go today to close the estate business.
he's doing really well through all this.
i'm tired still.
i shouldn't be.
but i am.
another long day and that makes me happy.
i miss everyone.
give or take a few.
i forgot to mention last night, that chris and i went sunday to see harry potter and the goblet of fire.
it was so cute because he had already read the book and was all excited to see what it was going to be like in film form.
we loved it.
i just saw a picture of myself where i have a beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other my eyes are closed and i look like an obese drunk.
sometimes i need to see shit like that.
and now we're a little worried about something.
and there's nothing much to do but wait and see.
so things are going wrong right now.
and they all involve money in some way shape or form.
chris and i have no money, and can't think of a way currently to get any.
i need my oil changed since the way we were going to get the money for that fell through, i need all four new tires, and my car insurance is due day after tomorrow.
what the hell am i so annoyed with everything and emotional for.
and now i have to go to talk to chris before he tries calling and i'm online.
so god damn tired.
what the hell did this guy do to me.
i've never cared about things like the things i do now.
i'm fucking going soft.
and i mean i don't know what's going on.
i almost vomited and cried just talking to him about having a threesome.
that would never have bothered me before.
now i can't even stand thinking about him thinking other girls are pretty.
FUCK FUCK FUCK.
to hell with this all.
but on the plus side...we have all kinds of good things planned for the near future.
and one of them being us going on vacation to california.
that's what he's getting me for christmas.
i swear no one will ever be able to buy me presents before too much longer because he's already topped anything anyone will ever do for me.
mentally or physically.
that's right baby.